This is not a food blog.  I have no intention of it ever being one.  There are a lot of reasons – of which I will explain a few of in a moment – but for practical purposes, food does not drive me.  It is not my purpose in life.  Sure, I love to eat.  I TRULY DO.  BUT….I also love that I no longer use it as a control substance.  Allow me to explain.

Growing up, the only source of knowledge about food that I had was via my parents (duh, who else?).  Primarily, my mother.  In fact it wasn’t until I read this article – ‘When Your Mother Says She’s Fat’ by Kasey Edwards – that it really struck a chord with me….all of it.  My idea of what it was like to eat normally was abstract….example:

I remember watching my mother eat (solely) – grapefruits – air popped popcorn – veggies with nothing on them – and various other elements of food with nutritional value but very little value when they were eaten alone.  Ironically enough – years later – amidst my ED, I ate all of those things…..singularly….in frequent rotation.  A typical morning for me was to wake up – go to class for three hours (no breakfast, just coffee) – workout for 2 hours (maybe more) – eat two grapefruits after the workout (no protein or anything other than sugar in the form of carbs) – wait an hour and make some air popped popcorn – then maybe maybe myself some frozen veggies for dinner.  Repeat.  Crazy, right?  (I don’t even know how I had the energy to exercise every day)

What I’m getting at is this:  In the last 5 or so years, I re-taught myself how to eat and what to eat in order to feel like I wasn’t a person who was always going to be in recovery from anorexia.  Not that there is anything wrong with it – I am a different person because of my struggles and stronger for them – but the goal has always been to get back to a normal thought process.

So what did/do I do?  Here’s where my list of reasons why I no longer focus on food as much and how I know I am/if I am sliding backwards…..

-Food and talk of calories is a trigger for me.  What’s a trigger?  Anything that makes me feel as though I am out of control of my situation – doesn’t even have to be food….could be something bad happening in my life.  But when I am surrounded by people who talk about food a lot and/or talk about how many calories are in something I instantly go into my head and think, then I shouldn’t be eating that – what’s wrong with me – why do I feel like I can eat that?.  Deranged thoughts that most people do not have.  Sure, there is the occasional person who will feel guilty about it afterwards but prior they just think – THIS IS GOING TO TASTE DELICIOUS – and usually it does.

-No one really needs to know what I’m eating.  If I have an amazing meal – I’ll definitely talk about it.  I’ll even recommend it and rave about it.  But there will be no pictures (unless I really feel it’s warranted) and there will be no dwelling on the amount of fat/calories/etc. in the meal.  I have finally gotten to a point where if I am going to eat something, I will enjoy it in moderation – everything in moderation, right?  That’s not to say I am hiding my food or ashamed of what I eat – but really – there is so much more to who I am as a person beyond what I put into my mouth on a daily basis.

***Side Note to the aforementioned reason – I do eat a Peanut Butter and Strawberry Jelly sandwich EVERY DAY – just in case anyone cared – it’s delicious – (can be) nutritious (at least my version is) – and why wouldn’t you?  Duh.  They’re fantastic.  There’s a reason my mother packed one for me every day when I was little – I don’t mess around with the PB&J, yo.

-As interested in food and eating food as I am – and trust me, my friends know if they come to visit, we eat well (right, Painter?!) – I don’t live to eat, I eat to live. 

I eat to be healthy.

I eat to fuel my body for my 14+ mile long runs.

I eat to be able to teach spin AND THEN run a 6 or 7 miler later in the day.

I eat to feel good.

I eat to be social with my friends.

I eat to enjoy new things and new tastes.

If you’re not eating for these reasons (and others too), WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING?

I don’t eat when I’m bored (although I have been guilty of this in the past).

I don’t eat to comfort myself (and yes, I have been guilty of this too – who hasn’t?).

I don’t eat to control my life or use it as a form of control when everything else is out of control (that is a typical ED mindset).

I don’t eat to excess.

I’ve recently shared some information about places I’ve eaten, particularly in NYC.  I mentioned I haven’t eaten a doughnut in more than 5 years….I also haven’t eaten red meat in more than 10 years….I haven’t eaten chicken or turkey in more than 6 years….but I do eat fish on occasion….I eat a LOT of fruits and veggies.  I eat a LOT of other things.  I eat what I like…and that’s how I’ve managed to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

I often get comments from my mother like these:

“You’re tired because you’re not getting enough protein – I don’t know why you just won’t eat some meat.”

“It’s because you don’t eat enough.”

“I worry about you….are you slipping?  Are you getting enough food?”

“Why don’t you just have some more…you look great, kate.”

If you, by chance, happened to read the article I posted earlier….it’s the disordered thought process and eating that I grew up with from my mother that (in some ways) got me into a mess of disordered eating myself.  Occasionally, yes, I will indulge and have an extra scoop of crushed oreos on my frozen yogurt…or I’ll sit down with my friend and make a VERY large bowl of guacamole and EAT ALL OF IT ALONG WITH A WHOLE BAG OF CHIPS 🙂  SO. FREAKIN’. WHAT?  (it was delicious, btw….entirely delicious and I did not feel guilty one bit)

So what am I getting at?

Basically, I am trying to explain that despite my struggles with food and my difficulties (especially during my worst with my ED) eating with other people – I have figured out a way and pattern that works for me.  I don’t judge other people who eat differently than I do.  I do, however, instantly recognize if someone is suffering from an ED whether it be anorexia/overeating/binge eating/etc.

I eat when I am hungry…which, when I am training, is typically every few hours.  If I am not hungry, I don’t eat.  Simple as that.

I am proud of the fact that at no time in the last year or two have I sat down at a meal and refused to eat something because there may be a little bit of butter in it…or too much cream…or extra whipped topping…or…even….two deliciously high calorie/high fat doughnuts.  The thoughts I used to have don’t even creep into my mind any more.

So there you have it – my history of food – Katiefitz Is Fit Style (title make sense now?)

For those that are utterly confused by this post….don’t worry…that just means you’re normal….for those that can relate to it in some way….don’t worry either…you’re normal too.  I just know that my journey helped me figure out that I so much better off now, than I ever was….

 

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