Reflections

Posted: April 2, 2013 in Life
Tags: , , , ,

I give you all fair warning about this post – it deals with some heavy stuff and in particular body image issues.  DISCLAIMER: I am recovered from my ED (although anyone who has ever been through one knows that you’re ALWAYS in recovery) but at times I am triggered by things.  This is an example of one of those times.

I woke up this morning – took a shower – started coffee.  Typical of a morning where I am going to work.  Then it happened.  I put on one of my favorite pairs of pants.  They were tight.  And not the tight where you know it’s because you’re retaining water but the tight where you know that you did this to yourself.

I had them on for about 2 minutes – all of which was triggering the start of a panic attack {I should call out sick, I need to lose weight, what is wrong with me?, why am I so fat?, I did this to myself, this is what happens when you wear sweat pants all the time Katie, pay better attention to yourself, how can this be possible – someone just told me that I look great}  Those are just a FEW of the thoughts that flooded into my head within the first 10 seconds of putting these pants on.

I couldn’t even tell myself this:

I still have a bit of body dysmorphia

I took them off.  I put on a different pair that I knew I could fall back on.  The pair that I knew if I put on, even if I was bloated, I wouldn’t feel fat in.  Those were tight too.  Tight to the point where I had to suck in my stomach to button them.  Tight to the point where the pant legs are not loose surrounding my legs.  Tight.  Annoyingly tight.  I wanted to cry.  Instead, I stood in front of the mirror and berated myself.  I told my reflection that I was fat, how could I let myself get this way, how could I not know?

And then it hit me – I realized – I just haven’t been paying attention to what I was eating.  90% of how we look stems from the foods we put into our body.  If I want my reflection to show how I was feeling and what I was doing for my body – I’d have to put the work in.  In the last 2 or 3 weeks, I haven’t been eating well nor have I really been paying attention to HOW MUCH I was eating.  If I was being truly honest with myself – it was my fault.  I had gained weight.

Pretty much – yup

For those of you that don’t know – I don’t weigh myself.  Ever.  It’s a trigger and truthfully – probably the worse thing anyone can do (that’s in my situation) because it doesn’t tell me or anyone else that’s an athlete, how much muscle they have or how their body can run marathons or half marathons or even teach Spinning, etc.  Scales do nothing but make me sad.  As do clothes that are tight on me.  Yuck.

I’d be lying to everyone if I said I didn’t feel gross or that I was okay with the situation – BUT – life goes on and it moves forward and all I can do is attempt to change it.  I put the weight on – I can take the weight off.

In truth – it’s not like I’ve gained 20 pounds.  It’s probably about 10 pounds – but on me, it’s noticeable (in my clothes and in how I feel).  And yes – 10 pounds can come and go – but I’d rather them go.

So from this day forward I am going to hold myself accountable.  I’ve already been sharing my workouts with you but I’m going to beyond that – I may even post pictures of before and after results.  Ha – we’ll see.  I am not a fan of posting food pictures mainly because I am a grazer and I don’t really have a desire to show you what I’m eating (unless it’s something fabulous).  BUT – I do promise to do a few things:

1.  I will stay positive and keep pushing through – anything worth doing will take some time and effort.  It won’t happen overnight (something I used to struggle with in my full on ED).

2.  I will work hard and stay motivated to be GOOD to my body and exercise the best way I know how.

3.  I will give myself a pat on the back for the hard work and give myself time to recover from a tough workout.

4.  I will remind myself that I am a work in progress – I shouldn’t let the fact that I am uncomfortable with myself right now limit my interactions with people (in other words, I am not going to go into hiding).

 

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Comments
  1. adambarr1106 says:

    OMG. Been there so often I get my mail there. Fallen off wagon so many time I gotta permanent butt bruise. But I always get up and run for the wagon. Remember, you’re good. Not perfect. But very good.

    Perfectionism kills.

  2. Great post. Great inspiration. Great way to treat yourself. You are setting a wonderful example of how to be accountable for your diet and fitness while also loving yourself in the process. I’m sorry you’ve struggled to get here, but your perspective is invaluable. Those moments of panic and negative inner dialogue plague us all, some more than others. But you are triumphant over it, and that is something to be proud of!

    • k8efitz says:

      Thanks! It truly is a constant state of recovery – I have these moments where I feel as though I might have a setback or spiral downward but I have come so far that it no longer gets to that. A lot of therapy and introspection has helped me realize how far I’ve come. I can only hope to keep it up!

  3. I totally understand about the scale being a trigger. I used to be obsessed with numbers when I was anorexic (number on the scale, number of hours I worked out, number of calories consumed, etc). All I know is that I would never want to be in that place again, even if it means I’m carrying this extra weight.

    • k8efitz says:

      Exactly! I was the same way – I refuse to count calories now – and I used to write down everything I ate but it’s more of a trigger for me. If I feel good, I am okay. Truthfully – I feel like I am just to “old” to be that obsessive about numbers anymore – although I suppose my freakout about my pants could be an argument but still….

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